Fixing my head

Instead of sleeping, I just need to get some things settled to fix my head tonight.

Some past things still kind of haunt me. As I keep thinking about them, I see I’m not done with them yet. Maybe this will help it.

I will never again let anybody tell me what I want, what I feel and what I need.
I will never again let somebodys judgement of my interests and decisions hurt me, especially not when the persons knowledge of the specific topic is based on rumors and the media alone.
I will never again hide what I am, what I want and what I need just because somebody is embarrassed to be seen with me „like that“ by colleagues, friends and strangers. If I am not good enough for your colleagues, friends or even strangers the way I am and want to be, than I am not good enough for you either.
I will wear clothes, makeup and jewelry in every way, style, time and place that pleases me, without even considering if it might upset anybody else.
I will wear corsets and lingerie and whatever I like to wear, proud as a peacock. Because (fuck this, it is so stupid but it has to be said out loud) wearing a corset is a decision of clothing, not of being suppressed. And by the way, IF I WANT SOMEBODY TO SUPPRESS ME, I WILL JUST ASK THEM TO!
I will dye my hair the way that pleases ME ALONE without considering anybody else’s opinion.
I will never again step back from something because I am told I could not do that, even if it’s repeated a thousand times. Fuck you. I can. And I am far more than just good enough.
I will stay up late.
I will go out without you.
I will not forget my own interests for somebody else.
I will be disrespectfull, regardless, impolite and stupid.
I will tell everybody I like BDSM. Oh, wait, is that not explicit enough? Let me fix that. There you go, you’re welcome. Ah. Better.
I will not forget what a douchebag you have been for sure still are. But I will stop bothering about it.
I will love whoever I want, fuck whoever I want, and do whatever I want, when I want it and where I want it. At least, you were able to teach me anything at all: To not give a fuck for people like you and the rubbish they talk.
I will eat, drink and move as much and in the excact same way I want to, without further notice of what is considered good or helpfull.
I will do everything I like, and sometimes I won’t, to avoid hurting somebody. I think I’m very nice actually.
I will not fit into any fucking industry standards. I will fuck up my resume. I will start into a job without 4 years of expierience. And I will quit jobs without 4 years of experience.
I will not accept any rules of „realistic“ shit. Reality is what you make real. I will make reality better.
I will not change my hair-cut, hair-colour or anything to get a job. If they want me, they can get me. If they want a fake-me, they can get somebody else.
I will not let myself down. I will learn to control my rage, my issues with being in time and my clumsiness.
I will not work 8 hours per day for the rest of my life. There are way better opportunities how to spend my time.
I will not look back into this to count the things I might have done wrong some years later. I will do what I want. If breaking the things I wrote down here is what I want, I will do that.
I will decide for myself. And if I want to hand over a decision to someone else, I will do that.
I will never take a humans needs more serious than the needs of my dog. She will always be the first.
I would like to never again feel that tired.


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2 Antworten to “Fixing my head”

  1. mi Says:

    that’s how i got to know you and it’s also the reason i loved you from the first second on.
    it’s so good to know, there are people like you in this world ❤

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